Lost and Confused
I remember when I used to hear classmates talk about what they wanted to be when they grew up I would always feel a bit jealous. I never had that feeling, that dream, of what I wanted to be when I "grew up" until I did grow up and I still don't know what I want to be, let alone have any idea how to accomplish that dream.
I don't know how my parents managed this feeling or found their way. My mom started out as a Biology major in college, then switched to interior design, only to graduate and ultimately wind up spending more than twenty years working for an accounting firm. My dad graduated with a degree in drama, graduated and moved away from home only to fail to succeed, move back home and get a job working for a government department that no longer exists. Eventually after leaving his government job my dad became self-employed as a party and event DJ, magician and entertainer, so at least he was arguably using his drama degree somewhat.
Neither of them really finished their careers with a network of contacts that could help my brother or I find work. Nor did their careers follow any reliable, easily-charted progression. So I find myself sitting in the basement, living a comfortable and easy existence and miserable about it. It's been about five years since I graduated and while it was somewhat fun to coast for the first few years without much of a plan or prospects lately things have just become much more depressing. To a certain extent I was hoping something would have happened my way by this point, some opportunity mentioned by a friend, or classmate, or something. There have been a few things here and there but nothing substantial, nothing that has given me an idea of where to go or how, and nothing that has lasted very long.
Which brings me back to my lack of a feeling of "I wanna be x when I grow up." It has become painfully clear to me lately that to move forward and actually start to bring my life into some semblance of order and responsibility I need to pick a career path and pursue it relentlessly. My previous slap-dash attitude is just no sufficient and worse it doesn't make me happy either.
Knowing this is what I need to do does nothing to make it easier. To pursue a career goal I first need to actually pick a career, and just like when I was a kid I have absolutely no idea which way to go. My bachelors degree is in English so it would probably be most efficient to pursue that to some extent, try to find some kind of job writing something, editing something, or maybe in more general communications. My first idea for the English major however was to combine it with something more technical post-grad with an aim at technical writing. Engineering, computer science, information technology or something of that sort. As I have thought about it more however this original plan would have been much easier if I'd simply pursued a double-major, even though it would have delayed my graduation by a semester or two. That would not have been too terrible given that I already took six years go finish my four year degree including changing schools twice. My father keeps suggesting I try to pursue a career as a legal assistant, while my mother has suggested everything from clerical work to dental technician.
Essentially I've spent the last eleven years getting an education and waddling about with it ultimately to find myself with no idea what to do, or how to do it. What's worse is that from what I hear from my friends and former classmates, many of them are stuck in a similar mire. It seems that those who have their act together and are pursuing a career are considerably in the minority, and while I may not envy them their specific careers I most certainly envy their commitment and progress.
It feels like I've been stuck in a traffic circle for a decade, caught in motion with no concept of where to get off. Ultimately I suppose the only real answer is to jump off somewhere and hope for the best, but I have to admit the concept of blind commitment to an aspiration is terrifying. The cost of inaction though may just be that bit more horrible that the choice becomes inevitable and maybe that's where I am just now, right where the fear of inaction outweighs the fear and uncertainty of action.
For those of you facing similar trials and tribulations all I can say is good luck and you have my sincere sympathies.
I don't know how my parents managed this feeling or found their way. My mom started out as a Biology major in college, then switched to interior design, only to graduate and ultimately wind up spending more than twenty years working for an accounting firm. My dad graduated with a degree in drama, graduated and moved away from home only to fail to succeed, move back home and get a job working for a government department that no longer exists. Eventually after leaving his government job my dad became self-employed as a party and event DJ, magician and entertainer, so at least he was arguably using his drama degree somewhat.
Which brings me back to my lack of a feeling of "I wanna be x when I grow up." It has become painfully clear to me lately that to move forward and actually start to bring my life into some semblance of order and responsibility I need to pick a career path and pursue it relentlessly. My previous slap-dash attitude is just no sufficient and worse it doesn't make me happy either.
Knowing this is what I need to do does nothing to make it easier. To pursue a career goal I first need to actually pick a career, and just like when I was a kid I have absolutely no idea which way to go. My bachelors degree is in English so it would probably be most efficient to pursue that to some extent, try to find some kind of job writing something, editing something, or maybe in more general communications. My first idea for the English major however was to combine it with something more technical post-grad with an aim at technical writing. Engineering, computer science, information technology or something of that sort. As I have thought about it more however this original plan would have been much easier if I'd simply pursued a double-major, even though it would have delayed my graduation by a semester or two. That would not have been too terrible given that I already took six years go finish my four year degree including changing schools twice. My father keeps suggesting I try to pursue a career as a legal assistant, while my mother has suggested everything from clerical work to dental technician.
Essentially I've spent the last eleven years getting an education and waddling about with it ultimately to find myself with no idea what to do, or how to do it. What's worse is that from what I hear from my friends and former classmates, many of them are stuck in a similar mire. It seems that those who have their act together and are pursuing a career are considerably in the minority, and while I may not envy them their specific careers I most certainly envy their commitment and progress.
It feels like I've been stuck in a traffic circle for a decade, caught in motion with no concept of where to get off. Ultimately I suppose the only real answer is to jump off somewhere and hope for the best, but I have to admit the concept of blind commitment to an aspiration is terrifying. The cost of inaction though may just be that bit more horrible that the choice becomes inevitable and maybe that's where I am just now, right where the fear of inaction outweighs the fear and uncertainty of action.
For those of you facing similar trials and tribulations all I can say is good luck and you have my sincere sympathies.
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